2nd Time Around

I've written this post so many times in my head but I've not been able to put fingers to keys and actually get it out there.  On July 2nd, I received a devastating call from the adoption coordinator - she received a text from the birth mom saying that she had decided to parent.  To say that I was heartbroken would be an understatement.  I left work and headed home...the only prayer I remember offering was "God, please don't let me be bitter."  I cried as I drove home and tried not to vomit from the heartache.  KLove played some songs that spoke God's words to my heart but I couldn't even begin to guess what songs I heard.  I got home and made it a few steps in the door before I was laying on the floor - sobbing.  I do remember Rory (my dog) sitting right next to my head...I think she was standing guard over me.  My mom came over and sat with me while I cried.  Friends texted, called, posted on Facebook, mailed cards, sent plants/flowers and brought a “feel better” bag (bottle of wine, chocolate chip cookie dough, a magazine and a box of Kleenex).  My mom stayed the night with me so I wouldn’t be alone.  I took the next day off work and was off for the 4^th.  I barely moved off the couch.  I couldn’t find words to pray. I cried – a lot. 

The weeks following this loss were filled with an outpouring of love, prayers and support.  I claimed God’s promises and trusted that the Holy Spirit was praying on my behalf when I couldn’t find words.  I went to church. God’s people prayed and a few made sure I didn’t withdraw into a hermit shell (Nicole, Kristin and Megan – that would be you!).  I got angry…as in, I was seriously pissed off.  Fortunately, that happened on a day I work out with a dear friend (who happens to be my trainer) and she let me beat the hell out of a punching dummy because that’s what I needed to do.  My mom and I spent a weekend with my brother and his family in Chicago – and they were amazing and understanding when I said I just wanted to veg.  I had a birthday…it was acknowledged but I didn’t feel like celebrating and it sucked.

I don’t know how people can handle loss and grief WITHOUT God.  Seriously, how do they get out of bed without the Hope we have?  I have yet to find a way to let everyone know how much I depended on their prayers, love and support.  I know there will be a time when I can reflect on those days/weeks without tears but I’m not there yet.  The biggest thing I learned was the depth of love that the people in my life have for me.  I’ve known that I’m loved but I got to experience that love in a deep and tangible way.  Perhaps that lesson needed to be part of my journey. 

At the beginning of August, I realized I was ready to pray for another birth mom, even though it’s a different feeling.  I didn’t feel as “all in” as I did before…and I decided that’s okay.  I called the agency for an update and was told that my bio had been sent out 5 or 6 times (this is a lot for 1 month’s time, especially for a single gal) and that I was in someone’s “top 2.”  While this was encouraging, I still felt the ache of wanting to bring my baby home.  So, I kept waiting. 

AND THEN…on August 23^rd, I got a call from the adoption agency.  The “someone” who had me in her “top 2” wants to meet.  Turns out, this isn’t just a birth mom but a birth couple…yep, the couple picked the single girl.  The other half of the “top 2” has matched with another birth mom and my birth couple chose to move forward with me.  My response to this call was so different than the first time around – no tears, no shaky hands, almost no emotion at all.  As I called my family and a few friends, I kept saying “I know I don’t sound excited but I am.”  Over the weekend, I realized that God still has a few things (or a thousand things) to teach me about how He works.  In a single parent adoption, being chosen by a couple just doesn’t happen.  Oh, and did I mention that each of the birth parents have a college degree?  No?  Because that’s not supposed to happen either.  And, birth dad has already signed the paperwork regarding his parental rights.  Another thing that doesn’t happen very often in single parent adoptions.  As my eyes were opened to all of the mountains that God moved in order for this couple to choose me, my excitement grew.  I’m meeting the birth mom tonight (birth dad lives a few hours away and I’m not sure if he’ll be there).

I’m excited.

I’m nervous.

I’m apprehensive.

I don’t want to experience that heartache again.  I just don’t.  But, I’ve made a choice to be vulnerable.  I hope and pray that I bring a baby home in mid-December, which is 15 weeks away…and feels like much longer!  Thank you to everyone who has been praying with me throughout this journey – God is answering those prayers! 

SPOILER ALERT! It's a....

The past week has been one big ball of excitement!  Last Wednesday, I received a call from the adoption agency to tell me that I had been chosen by a birth mom (B - her first initial).  Over the next few days, I got some more info about this brave young woman.  We got to meet today and have lunch...she is amazing!  B is a strong and intelligent young woman who wants her child to have everything needed for life.  I admire her courage!!!

So, without further ado and because I think someone will yell at me if I drag this out too much longer...it's a girl!  Yes, I have a name picked out.  No, I'm not sharing.  The baby is due on June 30th, which also happens to be my mom's birthday!  Delivery will be local and B expressed today that she would like me to be in the delivery room for the birth of this precious little girl.  I'm honored!

I know that B could change her mind about the adoption and choose to parent this baby.  If that happens, I will be devastated.  BUT, I trust that God will continue to work through this journey and He knows who I'm supposed to raise.  If that's not this little girl, I know He has another precious baby for me.  Trust is hard but worth it!!!!

So, how can you help?  

1. Please continue to pray for B and this little girl.  Her face lit up when I told her that a lot of people have been praying for her before we even knew her!
2. Please also pray for wisdom for me as I prepare mentally for this baby
3. Keep an eye out for another blog post with details on something I'm making (and selling) to gather funds for this adoption

Thank you thank you thank you for all of the love, prayers, support and encouragement!!!!  This baby is blessed to be welcomed into such an amazing community!!!

Informative Randomness

Since my last post was about my approved homestudy, it would probably be good to let everyone know that I'm officially active with the adoption agency!!  This means that I can receive a placement (aka a baby) at any time.  This information is usually followed by "do you know when?" to which my answer is always "sometime in 2012"  Sooo, on to the randomness (which is my way of telling you that God has been doing some really cool things):

#1 - I met a complete stranger in Target a few weeks ago (after being at the dentist and with the lower left half of my face not moving because of the numbing stuff).  Her name is Carrie and I think God wanted us to meet.  I was looking at the pre-made newborn bottles, just to have something on hand, and Carrie was getting something from the same aisle.  She asked if I have a baby and I explained that I'm adopting.  We chatted for a few minutes and she told me that she had several cans of baby formula in her car that she was going to donate but she would like me to have them.  I teared up. In Target. In the formula aisle.  So, after she paid for her stuff, we walked to her car - which was parked next to mine - and she gave me 5 cans of formula that she received for free from the companies.  Seriously, God's hand was all over that unplanned trip to Target.  Carrie's precious little girl has an amazing mama who is going to teach her amazing things!


#2 - I knew when I started this journey that people would be excited for me...I underestimated.  I have been overwhelmed by the intense excitement, the encouraging words and all of the prayers.  Even strangers are excited when they learn I'm adopting (see #1).  To be honest, I have received some negative comments, which I expected, but the peace I am experiencing in being obedient to God's plan is restorative.  Thank you friends, for all of your excitement and encouragement!!  I love that the little one God has chosen for me is already incredibly loved by so many!


#3 - I gave up refined sugar as an ingredient for Lent.  I've always had a sweet tooth and, after a particularly calorie laden Girl Scout cookie experience, I finally admitted that I'm addicted to sugar.  God doesn't want us to be addicted to anything, nor do I think He intended for us to only eat bland, boring food.  I believe He created healthy, yummy foods - including sugar cane - but I've lost my perspective on what is truly yummy.  So, no sugar for me.  It has been hard because, if you haven't noticed, sugar is in almost everything!  I've been cooking at home more...and I do love cooking but the cleaning up is another story :)  Eating out is tough but manageable if I can plan ahead.  Someone asked me what I'm eating since sugar is an ingredient in so many things - I guess my answer is "real food." I am using honey and real maple syrup - both in very limited amounts - but I've been enjoying fruits and veggies, homemade bread, ravioli, granola, yogurt and tortillas.  I miss dark chocolate but that's about it.  If you want more info on eating real food, check this out.  (FYI - I don't follow all of the "rules" discussed on that site)


If you're a praying sort of person, please continue to pray for: 

• My adoption journey...I'm trying to experience the journey, especially the waiting, but it's hard
• The baby's birth mom...I don't know this woman, but I have a ton of love for her 
• Finances...God has been amazing in this area and part of His amazingness is that I've been able to tighten my budget in lots of places

Thank you - again - for all of the encouragement and excitement!   
 

Approved!

I received some very exciting new this afternoon...my home study was approved!  Someone asked me if I doubted getting approved for the home study...I didn't doubt that I would "pass" but the official approval came 3 weeks before I thought it would.  

Sooo, what's the next step?  I will be putting a piece of paper with my signature on it in the mail tomorrow.  After the agency receives this piece of paper, I'll be "active" with the agency.  And then I continue waiting.  God is teaching me a lot about patience during this process.  I've never been great at waiting.  Never.  But, this process is all about waiting and God is continuing to teach me to lean on Him in new ways. 

Thank you for all of the excitement and prayers!  I have been SO encouraged!

Wanting, Wishing, Waiting...

Lately, I've been thinking about wanting, wishing and waiting.  I guess these are things I usually think about around Christmas time while I bask in the glow of the lights from my tree but tonight feels different.  Maybe tonight is different because some of my favorite people are wanting things they don't have and the waiting feels impossible - or impossibly hard and incredibly painful.

We all know about the attack of the "wants" (that's called greed) but sometimes (or most of the time) many people (myself included) confuse a want and a need.  Need = essential, cannot live without.  Want = everything else.  We cannot live without oxygen, water and food.  I will also classify shelter and clothing as needs.  Seriously friends, everything else is like a bonus...a blessing.  I guess I don't actually need coffee BUT it sure feels like I need it (and technically it falls into the food/beverage category - right?!)

So what about wishing?  When I was little, I vividly remember looking out my bedroom window at night and wishing on the first star I saw.  My wish was usually one of a few things - a new My Little Pony, a new Barbie or some other toy I didn't need but wanted.  I frequently catch myself saying "I wish I....".  But what does that mean?  Wishing implies that we don't believe Someone (God) has a plan and that the universe (karma) will take better care of us.  That's just not true.

And waiting...sometimes "waiting" feels like it should be spelled (or uttered) w@!%&$g.  I'm not a patient person.  I don't know very many truly patient people.  However, waiting is good for us...blech, I can't believe I just said that.  Waiting is good for ME - that's even harder to type!!  Waiting helps me distinguish the wants from the needs.  Waiting helps me remember to talk to God about the things I'm wishing for...that's called prayer!  And, when I remember to talk to God, I have to listen some too...and I realize that those wishes aren't always part of His plan.

Earlier this week, my brother asked me why I want to adopt and I started crying before I could start to answer his question.  (For the record, my brother is totally on board with getting a niece or nephew and has been wonderfully supportive about my plan to adopt!  He didn't mean to start the waterworks.)  I started crying because the reason is emotional...I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember.  The deepest desire of my heart is to be a mommy.  Yes, my plan to become a single mom - by choice - is unconventional.  Yes, it will be the hardest thing I've ever done.  Yes, it's scary and exciting all at the same time.  But I didn't just wish to be a mom.  No, I talked to God about this for almost 3 years.  I wrestled over this decision and have had complete peace about moving forward. 

And now I wait.


My home study is next Tuesday - only a few days away!  Am I ready?  Not. Even. Close.  After the home study paperwork is complete (~6 weeks), then I will officially activate with the agency.  Therefore, my official response to "when will you get a baby?" is "sometime after the middle of February."  No, I can't be more specific.  No, I don't have an estimate (I could guess though).  Yes, not knowing is hard.  The not knowing and not being able to plan ahead are probably the hardest part of this process for me...I like to have a plan for what's next and know when that plan will be executed.  God has given me peace but I forget to claim it as mine and experience it.  So, I keep talking with Him about it.

How does all of this tie in with Christmas?  In some ways, it doesn't.  But, in many ways, it does...at least in my head.  If you want to know, ask me. 

Holding Pattern

Planes circling the runway, burning fuel, waiting for the chance to land, nervous passengers becoming more anxious by the moment...a holding pattern.  That's where I'm at.  I'm in a holding pattern with my adoption process.  Things are moving forward but only because days are passing...not because there's anything I can do right now.  I guess that's not totally true - I've been completing paperwork, installing wood laminate floor, enjoying Thanksgiving with my family and praying (lots!).  My home study class is coming up on Friday, my home study will happen before Christmas and then the true waiting begins.

The home study paperwork takes the agency around 6 weeks to complete and finalize.  After that, I'll "activate" with the agency and begin my lesson in learning the true meaning of patience.  I hope I'll be a momma sometime in 2012 but it could be longer.  I believe and trust that God will send my baby in His perfect timing, but I know there will be days that I forget to practice patience.  My desire through this process has been to experience it...not wish myself towards the next step.

God has been teaching me so much about His love for His adopted children (all of us!) and the power of simple prayers.  He has woken me up from a sound sleep with a message for a hurting friend (for those who don't know, this is a God-sized challenge...my friends have voted me most likely to wake up in a tree after a tornado), He has urged me to pray and pray and pray for dear friends who experienced a miscarriage, and He has been teaching me about sacrifice and selflessness.

One of the ways God has been teaching me about selflessness is through one of the ladies in my small group...Michele wrote (and illustrated) a great children's book and has offered a generous monetary gift (based on her book sales) to help with my adoption expenses.  If you are interested in info on purchasing a copy, please let me know!  The books are only $14.99 and will make a wonderful Christmas gift.  I am honored that Michele is part of my baby's adoption story!

Thinking about my baby's adoption story makes me realize just how many people already love this little one...s/he already has a community of family, friends and playmates, all of whom are excited about his/her arrival!  I know single parenthood will be the hardest thing I've ever done but I couldn't ask for a better support system!  Yes, I will need people to help me...but I've already received more promised assistance than I could have imagined.  This is such an encouragement to me!

As we enter the Christmas season, may we all be blessed with the peace of Christ and His desire to draw us closer to Him.

The Timeline

First, a HUGE thank you for all of the support and encouragement I've received so far!  I don't have words to describe how much I appreciate each and every sweet comment, congratulatory hug and all of the shared excitement!

I've had several questions about where I'm at in this process so I thought this would be a great time to try to answer those questions for everyone :)

I have had 2 meetings at the adoption agency, the first was an info session and the second was an office interview.  I've filled out a little bit of paperwork and have more that I'm working on.  And, I've been fingerprinted for my background check (yes, I'm sure it will come back clean :)).  I will be attending a home study class in December and will have my home study before Christmas.  The home study report takes around 6 weeks to be completed.  This means I'll be able to "activate" with the agency in February (activating means that I can be selected by a birth mom) and I will most likely bring my baby home in 2012.  Obviously, there are a lot of details involved in this process that I've not included here.

Yes, there are financial risks in adoption but my agency works hard to minimize this through their work with the birth moms.  Yes, there are legal risks but it's part of the process.  No, I can't specify a preference on the gender of my baby...I truly believe that God will send me exactly who I'm meant to receive.

Soooo, that's where I'm at in the process.  After my home study is completed, I will begin applying for various adoption grants.  Funding for the grants is limited so the chances of receiving a grant is low but it's zero if I don't apply.  I have lots of ideas on how people can help with raising the $$ for the adoption...if you're interested in helping, please let me know.  I dislike that much of the adoption process is tainted with financial needs but I am trusting God to provide all of my needs (and those of my future baby).  Already, I have experienced a deeper closeness with God and a desire to draw closer to Him. 

Thanks again to everyone for all of the encouragement, love and support!!