Wanting, Wishing, Waiting...

Lately, I've been thinking about wanting, wishing and waiting.  I guess these are things I usually think about around Christmas time while I bask in the glow of the lights from my tree but tonight feels different.  Maybe tonight is different because some of my favorite people are wanting things they don't have and the waiting feels impossible - or impossibly hard and incredibly painful.

We all know about the attack of the "wants" (that's called greed) but sometimes (or most of the time) many people (myself included) confuse a want and a need.  Need = essential, cannot live without.  Want = everything else.  We cannot live without oxygen, water and food.  I will also classify shelter and clothing as needs.  Seriously friends, everything else is like a bonus...a blessing.  I guess I don't actually need coffee BUT it sure feels like I need it (and technically it falls into the food/beverage category - right?!)

So what about wishing?  When I was little, I vividly remember looking out my bedroom window at night and wishing on the first star I saw.  My wish was usually one of a few things - a new My Little Pony, a new Barbie or some other toy I didn't need but wanted.  I frequently catch myself saying "I wish I....".  But what does that mean?  Wishing implies that we don't believe Someone (God) has a plan and that the universe (karma) will take better care of us.  That's just not true.

And waiting...sometimes "waiting" feels like it should be spelled (or uttered) w@!%&$g.  I'm not a patient person.  I don't know very many truly patient people.  However, waiting is good for us...blech, I can't believe I just said that.  Waiting is good for ME - that's even harder to type!!  Waiting helps me distinguish the wants from the needs.  Waiting helps me remember to talk to God about the things I'm wishing for...that's called prayer!  And, when I remember to talk to God, I have to listen some too...and I realize that those wishes aren't always part of His plan.

Earlier this week, my brother asked me why I want to adopt and I started crying before I could start to answer his question.  (For the record, my brother is totally on board with getting a niece or nephew and has been wonderfully supportive about my plan to adopt!  He didn't mean to start the waterworks.)  I started crying because the reason is emotional...I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember.  The deepest desire of my heart is to be a mommy.  Yes, my plan to become a single mom - by choice - is unconventional.  Yes, it will be the hardest thing I've ever done.  Yes, it's scary and exciting all at the same time.  But I didn't just wish to be a mom.  No, I talked to God about this for almost 3 years.  I wrestled over this decision and have had complete peace about moving forward. 

And now I wait.


My home study is next Tuesday - only a few days away!  Am I ready?  Not. Even. Close.  After the home study paperwork is complete (~6 weeks), then I will officially activate with the agency.  Therefore, my official response to "when will you get a baby?" is "sometime after the middle of February."  No, I can't be more specific.  No, I don't have an estimate (I could guess though).  Yes, not knowing is hard.  The not knowing and not being able to plan ahead are probably the hardest part of this process for me...I like to have a plan for what's next and know when that plan will be executed.  God has given me peace but I forget to claim it as mine and experience it.  So, I keep talking with Him about it.

How does all of this tie in with Christmas?  In some ways, it doesn't.  But, in many ways, it does...at least in my head.  If you want to know, ask me.