Wanting, Wishing, Waiting...

Lately, I've been thinking about wanting, wishing and waiting.  I guess these are things I usually think about around Christmas time while I bask in the glow of the lights from my tree but tonight feels different.  Maybe tonight is different because some of my favorite people are wanting things they don't have and the waiting feels impossible - or impossibly hard and incredibly painful.

We all know about the attack of the "wants" (that's called greed) but sometimes (or most of the time) many people (myself included) confuse a want and a need.  Need = essential, cannot live without.  Want = everything else.  We cannot live without oxygen, water and food.  I will also classify shelter and clothing as needs.  Seriously friends, everything else is like a bonus...a blessing.  I guess I don't actually need coffee BUT it sure feels like I need it (and technically it falls into the food/beverage category - right?!)

So what about wishing?  When I was little, I vividly remember looking out my bedroom window at night and wishing on the first star I saw.  My wish was usually one of a few things - a new My Little Pony, a new Barbie or some other toy I didn't need but wanted.  I frequently catch myself saying "I wish I....".  But what does that mean?  Wishing implies that we don't believe Someone (God) has a plan and that the universe (karma) will take better care of us.  That's just not true.

And waiting...sometimes "waiting" feels like it should be spelled (or uttered) w@!%&$g.  I'm not a patient person.  I don't know very many truly patient people.  However, waiting is good for us...blech, I can't believe I just said that.  Waiting is good for ME - that's even harder to type!!  Waiting helps me distinguish the wants from the needs.  Waiting helps me remember to talk to God about the things I'm wishing for...that's called prayer!  And, when I remember to talk to God, I have to listen some too...and I realize that those wishes aren't always part of His plan.

Earlier this week, my brother asked me why I want to adopt and I started crying before I could start to answer his question.  (For the record, my brother is totally on board with getting a niece or nephew and has been wonderfully supportive about my plan to adopt!  He didn't mean to start the waterworks.)  I started crying because the reason is emotional...I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember.  The deepest desire of my heart is to be a mommy.  Yes, my plan to become a single mom - by choice - is unconventional.  Yes, it will be the hardest thing I've ever done.  Yes, it's scary and exciting all at the same time.  But I didn't just wish to be a mom.  No, I talked to God about this for almost 3 years.  I wrestled over this decision and have had complete peace about moving forward. 

And now I wait.


My home study is next Tuesday - only a few days away!  Am I ready?  Not. Even. Close.  After the home study paperwork is complete (~6 weeks), then I will officially activate with the agency.  Therefore, my official response to "when will you get a baby?" is "sometime after the middle of February."  No, I can't be more specific.  No, I don't have an estimate (I could guess though).  Yes, not knowing is hard.  The not knowing and not being able to plan ahead are probably the hardest part of this process for me...I like to have a plan for what's next and know when that plan will be executed.  God has given me peace but I forget to claim it as mine and experience it.  So, I keep talking with Him about it.

How does all of this tie in with Christmas?  In some ways, it doesn't.  But, in many ways, it does...at least in my head.  If you want to know, ask me. 

Holding Pattern

Planes circling the runway, burning fuel, waiting for the chance to land, nervous passengers becoming more anxious by the moment...a holding pattern.  That's where I'm at.  I'm in a holding pattern with my adoption process.  Things are moving forward but only because days are passing...not because there's anything I can do right now.  I guess that's not totally true - I've been completing paperwork, installing wood laminate floor, enjoying Thanksgiving with my family and praying (lots!).  My home study class is coming up on Friday, my home study will happen before Christmas and then the true waiting begins.

The home study paperwork takes the agency around 6 weeks to complete and finalize.  After that, I'll "activate" with the agency and begin my lesson in learning the true meaning of patience.  I hope I'll be a momma sometime in 2012 but it could be longer.  I believe and trust that God will send my baby in His perfect timing, but I know there will be days that I forget to practice patience.  My desire through this process has been to experience it...not wish myself towards the next step.

God has been teaching me so much about His love for His adopted children (all of us!) and the power of simple prayers.  He has woken me up from a sound sleep with a message for a hurting friend (for those who don't know, this is a God-sized challenge...my friends have voted me most likely to wake up in a tree after a tornado), He has urged me to pray and pray and pray for dear friends who experienced a miscarriage, and He has been teaching me about sacrifice and selflessness.

One of the ways God has been teaching me about selflessness is through one of the ladies in my small group...Michele wrote (and illustrated) a great children's book and has offered a generous monetary gift (based on her book sales) to help with my adoption expenses.  If you are interested in info on purchasing a copy, please let me know!  The books are only $14.99 and will make a wonderful Christmas gift.  I am honored that Michele is part of my baby's adoption story!

Thinking about my baby's adoption story makes me realize just how many people already love this little one...s/he already has a community of family, friends and playmates, all of whom are excited about his/her arrival!  I know single parenthood will be the hardest thing I've ever done but I couldn't ask for a better support system!  Yes, I will need people to help me...but I've already received more promised assistance than I could have imagined.  This is such an encouragement to me!

As we enter the Christmas season, may we all be blessed with the peace of Christ and His desire to draw us closer to Him.