2nd Time Around

I've written this post so many times in my head but I've not been able to put fingers to keys and actually get it out there.  On July 2nd, I received a devastating call from the adoption coordinator - she received a text from the birth mom saying that she had decided to parent.  To say that I was heartbroken would be an understatement.  I left work and headed home...the only prayer I remember offering was "God, please don't let me be bitter."  I cried as I drove home and tried not to vomit from the heartache.  KLove played some songs that spoke God's words to my heart but I couldn't even begin to guess what songs I heard.  I got home and made it a few steps in the door before I was laying on the floor - sobbing.  I do remember Rory (my dog) sitting right next to my head...I think she was standing guard over me.  My mom came over and sat with me while I cried.  Friends texted, called, posted on Facebook, mailed cards, sent plants/flowers and brought a “feel better” bag (bottle of wine, chocolate chip cookie dough, a magazine and a box of Kleenex).  My mom stayed the night with me so I wouldn’t be alone.  I took the next day off work and was off for the 4^th.  I barely moved off the couch.  I couldn’t find words to pray. I cried – a lot. 

The weeks following this loss were filled with an outpouring of love, prayers and support.  I claimed God’s promises and trusted that the Holy Spirit was praying on my behalf when I couldn’t find words.  I went to church. God’s people prayed and a few made sure I didn’t withdraw into a hermit shell (Nicole, Kristin and Megan – that would be you!).  I got angry…as in, I was seriously pissed off.  Fortunately, that happened on a day I work out with a dear friend (who happens to be my trainer) and she let me beat the hell out of a punching dummy because that’s what I needed to do.  My mom and I spent a weekend with my brother and his family in Chicago – and they were amazing and understanding when I said I just wanted to veg.  I had a birthday…it was acknowledged but I didn’t feel like celebrating and it sucked.

I don’t know how people can handle loss and grief WITHOUT God.  Seriously, how do they get out of bed without the Hope we have?  I have yet to find a way to let everyone know how much I depended on their prayers, love and support.  I know there will be a time when I can reflect on those days/weeks without tears but I’m not there yet.  The biggest thing I learned was the depth of love that the people in my life have for me.  I’ve known that I’m loved but I got to experience that love in a deep and tangible way.  Perhaps that lesson needed to be part of my journey. 

At the beginning of August, I realized I was ready to pray for another birth mom, even though it’s a different feeling.  I didn’t feel as “all in” as I did before…and I decided that’s okay.  I called the agency for an update and was told that my bio had been sent out 5 or 6 times (this is a lot for 1 month’s time, especially for a single gal) and that I was in someone’s “top 2.”  While this was encouraging, I still felt the ache of wanting to bring my baby home.  So, I kept waiting. 

AND THEN…on August 23^rd, I got a call from the adoption agency.  The “someone” who had me in her “top 2” wants to meet.  Turns out, this isn’t just a birth mom but a birth couple…yep, the couple picked the single girl.  The other half of the “top 2” has matched with another birth mom and my birth couple chose to move forward with me.  My response to this call was so different than the first time around – no tears, no shaky hands, almost no emotion at all.  As I called my family and a few friends, I kept saying “I know I don’t sound excited but I am.”  Over the weekend, I realized that God still has a few things (or a thousand things) to teach me about how He works.  In a single parent adoption, being chosen by a couple just doesn’t happen.  Oh, and did I mention that each of the birth parents have a college degree?  No?  Because that’s not supposed to happen either.  And, birth dad has already signed the paperwork regarding his parental rights.  Another thing that doesn’t happen very often in single parent adoptions.  As my eyes were opened to all of the mountains that God moved in order for this couple to choose me, my excitement grew.  I’m meeting the birth mom tonight (birth dad lives a few hours away and I’m not sure if he’ll be there).

I’m excited.

I’m nervous.

I’m apprehensive.

I don’t want to experience that heartache again.  I just don’t.  But, I’ve made a choice to be vulnerable.  I hope and pray that I bring a baby home in mid-December, which is 15 weeks away…and feels like much longer!  Thank you to everyone who has been praying with me throughout this journey – God is answering those prayers!