I didn't realize it's been SO long since my last blog post! I was just getting ready to meet a birth couple who chose me from the bios that the agency gave them. I'm still amazed at how God worked through the timing of that situation - this couple received my bio the week after my first placement fell through. The agency prefers that birth moms are close to the third trimester before they meet with an adoptive family and this couple continued to choose me through their wait. A few months later, I was honored with the privledge of assisting Daniel's birthmom in his delivery. It was beautiful! The story belongs to Daniel - it is his story afterall - but I will share that it was amazing and I cried as I watched him enter the world and held his birthmom's hand as we both looked at him for the first time.
Daniel Jude entered the world on December 7th, 2012, weighing in at 7lbs, 7oz and was 21.5 inches long (the boy had a HUGE conehead!). The nurses who took care of Daniel and his birthmom were incredible! Several of them stopped to see him before the end of their shifts so they could tell me how much they enjoyed being part of his delivery and care. One nurse was in tears over our story and the wonderfulness of Daniel's birthmom. And, let me tell you - she is amazing and brave and strong.
Our first few weeks at home went well - for the most part. Daniel is definitely an easy baby but there were some days when I just couldn't figure out how to make him happy. I had to call in reinforcements (Mimi - aka Grandma). I was tired but functioning. And then I went back to work.
I did okay during my first week back.
And then I wasn't okay.
I didn't realize how much less sleep I would be getting when I went back to work. It wasn't having my sleep interrupted but that the amount was significantly less because I had to get up earlier and couldn't nap when Daniel was asleep. I'm pretty sure my co-workers would agree with me when I say that it was bad. The tiredness was complicated by Daniel and I both getting a cold - not surprising since I work at a children's hospital and he was exposed to all sorts of new germs at daycare. One particularly tearful day, my manager told me to go home and take a nap. So I did. Another particularly tearful day, a friend told me that she was going to spend the night at my home and get up with Daniel so I could get some rest. I could have kissed her face. I have cried so many "tired tears" in the past few months that I'm surprised I didn't get dehydrated (good thing I keep a glass of water by the bed because sometimes you need some water in the middle of the night or you will surely die).
I knew being a parent would be the hardest thing I've ever done - I was right. I truly believe that there is a reason babies don't remember these early months: it is because they don't need the memory of their parents sobbing in the middle of the night because they spit up - again! - or act hungry but won't eat, or won't sleep at 2am. It is also so they don't remember the crazy lady (formerly known as Momma) who appears at 1am and is so frustrated that she yells. Yep, friends, that was me. And, based on what I am sure is a very reliable review of Google, I am not alone.
Through all of this, I kept loving on Daniel and was intentional about bonding with him. Until I went back to work, I gave him almost all of his bottles and changed almost all of his diapers (I think Mimi got to give a bottle or two). I snuggled him as he fell asleep and prayed over him. I talked to him and played (as much as you can play with an infant). Bonding is critical in the lives of adoptive families and will always be a part of my parenting habits. To someone who isn't familiar with adoption, it may seem like I'm being stingy with my baby or that I don't trust others to do something for him. This is not true. I didn't have the opportunity to carry my son in my uterus, so he had to learn my heartbeat after he was born. He didn't know my voice before he was born, so it's important that I talk to him.
The first time he smiled at me - I mean REALLY smiled - was wonderful. Daniel looks for me if he hears my voice. He laughs when I talk to him and I know where he's especially ticklish. His smiles and giggles have helped me get through the hard days. That and knowing that we are prayed for and loved - very loved. I'm learning to ask for help sooner rather than later. I'm figuring out what the reality of our day-to-day life is going to look like (moderately managed chaos) and, on the really tough days, I thank God for choosing me to be Daniel's mom and ask Him to sustain me.
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