Embracing Life - My Messy Beautiful

Whenever we embrace a set of circumstances that are different from someone sees as "normal", people wonder how we get through each day.  And, really, what's "normal"? I chose single parenthood and I've only regretted it a few times and not at all in the past 6 months since Daniel has been sleeping through the night.  My circumstances aren't that unique - there are lots of single parents who trudge through rock the single parenting gig.  Did they all sign up for single parenting?  Nope.  Is that okay?  Yep.

I'm regularly asked "how do you do it?"  I regularly respond "I don't."  It's true - I never even make a dent in the to-do list of life.  So, what do I do?  I do everything that other parents do.  (Side note - I'm giggling at the number of times "do" appears in those few sentences.  do-do  hee-hee :) Seriously, can you say "do-do" without wanting to smile/giggle?)  I cook and do laundry and clean every once in awhile.  My mom helps with dishes and laundry on the day she watches Daniel.  I feed the dog.  I go to work and manage to get both of us out the door relatively on time, appropriately clothed and with lunches.  I read books and play outside and give baths and wipe tears and change diapers.  I tell him "no" to some things (playing in the dog's water bowl - a.g.a.i.n) and "yes" to some things (reading the same book 100 times in one day)  I give hugs and kisses and tickle his tummy.  I hand my crying toddler over to his daycare providers and try not to cry as I walk out the door. 

Want to know what I don't do?  I don't try to get everything done.  I don't make a "to-do" list because it's too long and overwhelming to see it all written down.  I don't get dishes done every night.  I don't get the toys and books picked up every day.  I don't to do this alone - I have a community of family and friends who are willing to help.

Want to know what I'm trying not to do?  I'm trying not to let loneliness and depression steal the moments of joy I have with my son.  I'm trying to stop comparing my life to the lives of the people around me.  I'm trying not to get overwhelmed but it happens on most days.  I'm trying not to mess up too bad as a parent. 

And that's enough. I love my life.  It's hard and I often love it through tears, but I love it.  Life isn't supposed to be perfect - it's supposed to be messy. And my messy is beautiful.

http://momastery.com/carry-on-warrior

A united front - my thoughts on "mom shaming"

Why are we so mean to one another? Who cares if some moms like to throw "Pinterest worthy" parties? Who cares if some moms like to throw super simple parties? Does it matter if some moms get makeup on every day and some don't? 

Where does the "mom shaming" come from? What makes us do this?  Why are we so quick to judge one another for things that, ultimately, don't matter?

Sadly, I have been guilty of this and am trying to stop.  I can tell you that my criticism of fellow moms comes from insecurity and fear of failure. Know what? We're all scared shitless that we're going to mess up these little people who have been entrusted to us. Do you want to throw a birthday party for your kid filled with lots of decorations and activities? That's awesome!! I can't do it. Well, I probably could, I just don't want to. And that's awesome too!

After having an epic meltdown because I overwhelmed by a bunch of little things, my little guy spent the night with his grandparents and I was able to get a really good night's sleep. We met for dinner the next evening so I could pick him up and, as we were leaving, I saw another mom of a toddler with "the look." In case you're not familiar with "the look," it's an expression of exhaustion mingled with defeat. I'm pretty sure "the look" is on my face quite a bit. I said a little prayer for this mom and started to walk by her table. And then I stopped. I looked at her and told her that I saw "the look" on her face and that I feel the same way a lot. I also told her that she's doing a great job. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and whispered "thank you." I've been thinking about this encounter for the past week.

What would happen if moms united? What would happen if we stopped criticizing our differences and embraced the fact that we're all clawing our way through this messy journey called life? What if we looked a stranger in the eye and said "you're doing a great job?"

 (Even as I type this, I'm wrestling over how to handle my awareness that some children are neglected and/or unwanted. I don't think we should enable behaviors that result in neglect or abuse of children.)

Lies that moms believe

I was going to title this blog post "Lies that new moms believe," but in conversations with several friends/moms this week, I realized that it's not only new moms who battle against lies.  I think these lies would also apply to dads, but since I’m not a guy I can’t pretend to understand how their minds work J

Being a parent is hard work - period.  No matter how your child came into your life, being a mom is one of the most challenging jobs that anyone could have.  Even before I was matched with Daniel's birth parents, I started asking God to prepare me for the child He had chosen for me.  After bringing Daniel home, I've been praying for God to help me raise my son to be a Jesus follower.  Friends, satan doesn't like it when parents pray this way and take action to follow through on those prayers.  Satan is a liar and he is sneaky.  I've only been a mom for a few months so this is by no means an exhaustive list but these are the lies that I've recently recognized:

1. Comparison/insecurity - satan wants moms to believe that they're doing something wrong when their baby/child doesn't ________ (sleep through the night, meet developmental milestones early, get straight A’s, etc).  I've been battling this lie - a lot!  God didn't ask me to be Super Mom - He chose me to be Daniel's mom and do the best I can.  I'm tired so it's hard for me to know that other babies are sleeping through the night when Daniel still gets up once or twice.  I've asked God to help me treasure those nighttime feedings and snuggles instead of being frustrated/annoyed that we're still getting up at night.  He is answering this prayer but I fight the lie that I'm doing something wrong every. single. day.  I know this battle will continue and I will need God to help me fight the lie.  Thankfully, God has been speaking Truth into my heart through several family members, friends and co-workers who have encouraged me (out of the blue) over the past several weeks.

2. Bitterness - sadly, this is an easy lie for me to believe.  It's easy to have bitterness and believe the lie that other moms have it all together or have "perfect" babies.  It's hard to rejoice with friends who are getting rest or who are able to keep up with their laundry or who can put together stylish outfits for work.  God is helping me dig out the root of bitterness that satan is trying to plant in my heart.  He is also helping me to see the real person and not the facade that we often present to the world.  And, just in case there is anyone wondering, there is a pile of laundry on my kitchen table - some folded, some not - and I'm thankful that I manage to get dressed in clean, work-appropriate clothes Monday through Friday :)

3. Competition - similar to the lie of comparison, satan would like us to believe that we're competing against other parents.  Parenting was not designed to be a competition over who can have the best or most successful child.  Really, it wasn't!  Social media hasn't helped.  We are bombarded with lies that someone else is beating us in the competition formerly known as parenting.  Reality tv isn't real, Facebook/Twitter only reveals the parts of life we choose to share, and Pinterest is creating higher and higher standards of "perfection."  I don’t think it’s bad that social media has a role in our lives but God doesn't call us to have a Pinterest-worthy-picture-perfect-life.  As parents, He asks us to rely on Him as we raise the child(ren) He has chosen for us. 

When I was in college, my mentor shared a great idea on how to figure out if a thought was a lie.  It’s such an easy concept but it has worked well for me (when I remember to do it) – add “in Jesus name” to the end of the thought.  Here are a few examples “I’m failing as a mom because my baby won’t sleep…in Jesus name.” “Someone else could be his mom better than me…in Jesus name.” Without those three little words, these thoughts are sneaky, mean lies that satan tries to get me to believe.  BUT, when I can remember to test the truth of those thoughts, it’s easy to see they aren’t true. 

So, whether you’re a tired, hard-working mom of a baby or a tired, hard-working mom of a teenager, let’s band together and encourage one another.  Let’s pray for one another and remember that we can battle against the lies with the Truth that God offers.   

The Secret Sigh of Relief

Right now, all across the globe, there are women breathing a sigh of relief. 

Why? 

Because it's the day after Mother's Day and they made it through another year.  Think you don't know one of these women?

You're wrong. 

I guarantee that there is at least one woman in your life who is glad Mother's Day is over.  These women are your sisters, friends, neighbors and co-workers.  This sigh of relief is often kept silent and follows a day that is torture to many women because they don't have what so many take for granted.  Women who miss their moms, women who desperately want to be a mom but can't get pregnant, women who have lost their precious babies without getting to hold them, women who have said goodbye to their babies as they've entered the arms of Jesus.  For them, Mother's Day isn't all sunshine and rainbows.  Sometimes it's a day that they force themselves to survive. 

It's okay to let out a sigh of relief because you've gotten through another year.  I pray that you will be able to experience God's comfort for your aching heart.

He hears the cries of your heart. 

You are not forgotten.

Early experiences in single parenting - from the trenches

I didn't realize it's been SO long since my last blog post!  I was just getting ready to meet a birth couple who chose me from the bios that the agency gave them.  I'm still amazed at how God worked through the timing of that situation - this couple received my bio the week after my first placement fell through.  The agency prefers that birth moms are close to the third trimester before they meet with an adoptive family and this couple continued to choose me through their wait.  A few months later, I was honored with the privledge of assisting Daniel's birthmom in his delivery.  It was beautiful!  The story belongs to Daniel - it is his story afterall - but I will share that it was amazing and I cried as I watched him enter the world and held his birthmom's hand as we both looked at him for the first time.

Daniel Jude entered the world on December 7th, 2012, weighing in at 7lbs, 7oz and was 21.5 inches long (the boy had a HUGE conehead!).  The nurses who took care of Daniel and his birthmom were incredible!  Several of them stopped to see him before the end of their shifts so they could tell me how much they enjoyed being part of his delivery and care.  One nurse was in tears over our story and the wonderfulness of Daniel's birthmom.  And, let me tell you - she is amazing and brave and strong.

Our first few weeks at home went well - for the most part.  Daniel is definitely an easy baby but there were some days when I just couldn't figure out how to make him happy.  I had to call in reinforcements (Mimi - aka Grandma).  I was tired but functioning.  And then I went back to work.

I did okay during my first week back.

And then I wasn't okay.

I didn't realize how much less sleep I would be getting when I went back to work.  It wasn't having my sleep interrupted but that the amount was significantly less because I had to get up earlier and couldn't nap when Daniel was asleep.  I'm pretty sure my co-workers would agree with me when I say that it was bad. The tiredness was complicated by Daniel and I both getting a cold - not surprising since I work at a children's hospital and he was exposed to all sorts of new germs at daycare.  One particularly tearful day, my manager told me to go home and take a nap.  So I did.  Another particularly tearful day, a friend told me that she was going to spend the night at my home and get up with Daniel so I could get some rest.  I could have kissed her face.  I have cried so many "tired tears" in the past few months that I'm surprised I didn't get dehydrated (good thing I keep a glass of water by the bed because sometimes you need some water in the middle of the night or you will surely die).

I knew being a parent would be the hardest thing I've ever done - I was right.  I truly believe that there is a reason babies don't remember these early months: it is because they don't need the memory of their parents sobbing in the middle of the night because they spit up - again! - or act hungry but won't eat, or won't sleep at 2am.  It is also so they don't remember the crazy lady (formerly known as Momma) who appears at 1am and is so frustrated that she yells.  Yep, friends, that was me.  And, based on what I am sure is a very reliable review of Google, I am not alone.

Through all of this, I kept loving on Daniel and was intentional about bonding with him.  Until I went back to work, I gave him almost all of his bottles and changed almost all of his diapers (I think Mimi got to give a bottle or two).  I snuggled him as he fell asleep and prayed over him.  I talked to him and played (as much as you can play with an infant).  Bonding is critical in the lives of adoptive families and will always be a part of my parenting habits.  To someone who isn't familiar with adoption, it may seem like I'm being stingy with my baby or that I don't trust others to do something for him.  This is not true.  I didn't have the opportunity to carry my son in my uterus, so he had to learn my heartbeat after he was born.  He didn't know my voice before he was born, so it's important that I talk to him.

The first time he smiled at me - I mean REALLY smiled - was wonderful.  Daniel looks for me if he hears my voice.  He laughs when I talk to him and I know where he's especially ticklish.  His smiles and giggles have helped me get through the hard days.  That and knowing that we are prayed for and loved - very loved.  I'm learning to ask for help sooner rather than later.  I'm figuring out what the reality of our day-to-day life is going to look like (moderately managed chaos) and, on the really tough days, I thank God for choosing me to be Daniel's mom and ask Him to sustain me. 

   

2nd Time Around

I've written this post so many times in my head but I've not been able to put fingers to keys and actually get it out there.  On July 2nd, I received a devastating call from the adoption coordinator - she received a text from the birth mom saying that she had decided to parent.  To say that I was heartbroken would be an understatement.  I left work and headed home...the only prayer I remember offering was "God, please don't let me be bitter."  I cried as I drove home and tried not to vomit from the heartache.  KLove played some songs that spoke God's words to my heart but I couldn't even begin to guess what songs I heard.  I got home and made it a few steps in the door before I was laying on the floor - sobbing.  I do remember Rory (my dog) sitting right next to my head...I think she was standing guard over me.  My mom came over and sat with me while I cried.  Friends texted, called, posted on Facebook, mailed cards, sent plants/flowers and brought a “feel better” bag (bottle of wine, chocolate chip cookie dough, a magazine and a box of Kleenex).  My mom stayed the night with me so I wouldn’t be alone.  I took the next day off work and was off for the 4^th.  I barely moved off the couch.  I couldn’t find words to pray. I cried – a lot. 

The weeks following this loss were filled with an outpouring of love, prayers and support.  I claimed God’s promises and trusted that the Holy Spirit was praying on my behalf when I couldn’t find words.  I went to church. God’s people prayed and a few made sure I didn’t withdraw into a hermit shell (Nicole, Kristin and Megan – that would be you!).  I got angry…as in, I was seriously pissed off.  Fortunately, that happened on a day I work out with a dear friend (who happens to be my trainer) and she let me beat the hell out of a punching dummy because that’s what I needed to do.  My mom and I spent a weekend with my brother and his family in Chicago – and they were amazing and understanding when I said I just wanted to veg.  I had a birthday…it was acknowledged but I didn’t feel like celebrating and it sucked.

I don’t know how people can handle loss and grief WITHOUT God.  Seriously, how do they get out of bed without the Hope we have?  I have yet to find a way to let everyone know how much I depended on their prayers, love and support.  I know there will be a time when I can reflect on those days/weeks without tears but I’m not there yet.  The biggest thing I learned was the depth of love that the people in my life have for me.  I’ve known that I’m loved but I got to experience that love in a deep and tangible way.  Perhaps that lesson needed to be part of my journey. 

At the beginning of August, I realized I was ready to pray for another birth mom, even though it’s a different feeling.  I didn’t feel as “all in” as I did before…and I decided that’s okay.  I called the agency for an update and was told that my bio had been sent out 5 or 6 times (this is a lot for 1 month’s time, especially for a single gal) and that I was in someone’s “top 2.”  While this was encouraging, I still felt the ache of wanting to bring my baby home.  So, I kept waiting. 

AND THEN…on August 23^rd, I got a call from the adoption agency.  The “someone” who had me in her “top 2” wants to meet.  Turns out, this isn’t just a birth mom but a birth couple…yep, the couple picked the single girl.  The other half of the “top 2” has matched with another birth mom and my birth couple chose to move forward with me.  My response to this call was so different than the first time around – no tears, no shaky hands, almost no emotion at all.  As I called my family and a few friends, I kept saying “I know I don’t sound excited but I am.”  Over the weekend, I realized that God still has a few things (or a thousand things) to teach me about how He works.  In a single parent adoption, being chosen by a couple just doesn’t happen.  Oh, and did I mention that each of the birth parents have a college degree?  No?  Because that’s not supposed to happen either.  And, birth dad has already signed the paperwork regarding his parental rights.  Another thing that doesn’t happen very often in single parent adoptions.  As my eyes were opened to all of the mountains that God moved in order for this couple to choose me, my excitement grew.  I’m meeting the birth mom tonight (birth dad lives a few hours away and I’m not sure if he’ll be there).

I’m excited.

I’m nervous.

I’m apprehensive.

I don’t want to experience that heartache again.  I just don’t.  But, I’ve made a choice to be vulnerable.  I hope and pray that I bring a baby home in mid-December, which is 15 weeks away…and feels like much longer!  Thank you to everyone who has been praying with me throughout this journey – God is answering those prayers! 

SPOILER ALERT! It's a....

The past week has been one big ball of excitement!  Last Wednesday, I received a call from the adoption agency to tell me that I had been chosen by a birth mom (B - her first initial).  Over the next few days, I got some more info about this brave young woman.  We got to meet today and have lunch...she is amazing!  B is a strong and intelligent young woman who wants her child to have everything needed for life.  I admire her courage!!!

So, without further ado and because I think someone will yell at me if I drag this out too much longer...it's a girl!  Yes, I have a name picked out.  No, I'm not sharing.  The baby is due on June 30th, which also happens to be my mom's birthday!  Delivery will be local and B expressed today that she would like me to be in the delivery room for the birth of this precious little girl.  I'm honored!

I know that B could change her mind about the adoption and choose to parent this baby.  If that happens, I will be devastated.  BUT, I trust that God will continue to work through this journey and He knows who I'm supposed to raise.  If that's not this little girl, I know He has another precious baby for me.  Trust is hard but worth it!!!!

So, how can you help?  

1. Please continue to pray for B and this little girl.  Her face lit up when I told her that a lot of people have been praying for her before we even knew her!
2. Please also pray for wisdom for me as I prepare mentally for this baby
3. Keep an eye out for another blog post with details on something I'm making (and selling) to gather funds for this adoption

Thank you thank you thank you for all of the love, prayers, support and encouragement!!!!  This baby is blessed to be welcomed into such an amazing community!!!